forgive me for all this. i'm trying to shift. trying to mutate. trying to drop out of the real world for awhile. my head and my heart and my life are not in agreement right now. they do not fall in to line.

why?

i don't know. there is no one truth. it is all truth. someone said that and i think they were dead on. there is no one truth and every day is decay. every morning is a second chance. you get the gist. write me a cliche and i'll repeat it for you. i will whisper it or growl it or whatever you want. i am here to please.

so there is no one truth. what are we doing then? what are we milling about for? you wanna make money and then you wanna kick out pretending it was worth it? like you didn't slave away for something that will be built over two years after you're in your grave (which will be built over), spinning round and round like some junkie in need of exorcism. like you didn't forego a slow-burning passion with the world because you were too busy sticking it in the boss' daughter for a good word? nothing you own is yours. how do you feel?

and you, bohemia. you're not much better. you're full of pretension and notions that don't have a place in this life any more. what are you doing? are you writing your way, or are just telling people you are? is there even a difference? it's not like they give a shit, it's not like they'd stop to read it any way. really read it. not look with their eyes for what dirt it gives them - not snoop around for what cracked out shit it says about you and your person and where you've been and what you said, but fucking READ it and understand it. actually grab a hold of the crap that came out of your head and do something with it. take it somewhere. take it across the border and then deposit it inside someone else. a new breed of disease. a new seed of disease. then maybe they'll figure out where you've been and what you said and who you fell in love with every day of that summer. maybe then they'll get you, and maybe then they'll pass you on righteously. do you some justice.

ahh.

you can run but you cannot hide. how about i just shoot you.

combat boots lend an air of fuck off that i could not carry otherwise. there is something primal about big boots and a scowl. something your throat responds to. something that makes you giddy.

maybe i'm projecting. maybe i'm wrong. maybe this is all about me and i should stop using pronouns that suggest you're somehow involved.

you're not. you're not involved in my world. you're not even involved in your own world. you're not really involved in what's going on. you like to flick the switch when things get ugly. you like to justify it by using words like 'need' and 'can't.

the world is like this. you NEED to understand that. you NEED to act if it upsets you. you CAN'T ignore it and play like that helps. you CAN'T submit and give your power over to someone else. why are you here? there is no one truth. it is all truth. so what are you doing?

what am i talking about anyway. just some things that bug me. forgive me for all this. like i said, i'm trying to shift. trying to mutate. trying to drop out of the real world for awhile.

but isn't that what blogs are for? didn't you come here to watch me fall apart?