wanque

the question has always been about fear. about malice. about rage. how to get past the negative. how to live love and respect. how to transcend. because it's evolution we're after. the true form of the human spirit. the shit that lives on. we want to be that. i want to be that.

how do you cast off fear when it keeps you safe? how do you farewell the only answer you have to the possibility of fatally fucking up? it goes against instinct. it goes against what feels right.

i have figured the answer to be faith. of whatever denomination. believe in christ or a mirror. believe in buddha or allah or prada or da vinci. believe in something.

faith can overcome. faith will overcome.

and it is the only way to overcome fear (tell me if i am wrong). anger gets close, it feels like strength, it feels like a way out. but anger is based on fear, it wraps arms around fear and breathes heavily. anger is like some sort of protective cousin, some sort of neighbourhood watch. it backs fear. it's just a response, and so it feeds itself. it is fear trumping fear with a different face and thicker boots.

but faith? faith understands fear. it soothes and breaks. faith is something people forget to fight for. the world will fight for peace and wealth and innocence, but she forgets faith too quickly. yet it is one of few things that cannot be taken. it cannot be stolen or removed or in any way forsaken. you must give up the fight, faith must be surrendered.

i have surrendered my faith. i did it years ago, and in fear turned to anger. but these days it feels too small. it feels like something i remember but no longer possess. so i am making a break for faith.

i want universal faith. i want faith that does not condemn or wound, faith that steps on no one. i want a faith no path or church or book can give me. faith in all things as divine. my own brand of believer.

that's what i want.

so picture me trying to best fear. i have my game face on. to win faith i best fear. to best fear i need faith. the loop is endless and neverending. it is a mad dash for self-serviced salvation more than it is a leap of eternal hope. there is some grace in leaping but i plan to get ugly. i plan to fight every day. i plan to sweat and groan and ache. i plan to win.

i am learning well-taught lessons. i am learning that nothing matters in the end, but you have to work like it does. i am learning that you should jump headfirst into failure; into the worst possible scenario, just so every time you resurface, you are reminded that you will survive. remember that - you will survive.

you will overcome.

remember your faith.

drop your heart in a/like a beat on the busiest street corner you can find. drop all of it as if you were never attached. tell the saddest story you know to a bum at the lights, and then to the suit walking by.

have as many intimate relationships as you can. be decent. if you have butterflies, say yes even if it can't last. the way it feels to know someone like that, to be told in every way that you are loved and to send back that message.. the elation and the terror.. that makes all the shit less ugly.

(flirt if you are married. fuck your mister. in earnest. fuck that man. top him. do it in public. i don't care if you use a strap-on. don't let the bastards get you down.)

speak up when you are expected to be silent (by yourself, as well as others). there is nothing more fear-inducing than silence.

when you want to stop listening, do it. but make sure you speak up about that as well.

and picture me trying to best fear. but this time, without my game face on. picture me terrified and untouchable. ready to conquer.

but above all, remember your faith. you will overcome.